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Sleep is one of our most powerful healing mechanisms for both our mind and body. When we are facing high stress, we require sound sleep to assist our body and brain to “clear out” the neurochemicals associated with stress, heal the harmful effects of prolonged stress, and to recharge for the next day. Ironically, when we are under significant stress, sleep can be elusive. It can be very difficult to get to sleep before the early hours of the morning, and also to stay asleep throughout the night. As we become sleep deprived, we can experience a decreased ability to cope with stress, remain calm and use our logical and clear-thinking skills in daily situations. In addition to this, we can then begin to feel anxiety about not sleeping; which in itself can disrupt our sleep. Under these stressful times, we may experience disrupted sleep; the most important thing to remember is that there are some steps you can take to help. Most importantly, do not worry about not getting to sleep. Anxiety and frustration are major elements in keeping you awake. If you are not able to fall asleep, trust that solid rest in a relaxed state is the next best thing. As you are lying in bed, take deep breaths, letting your muscles fall heavy and relaxed with each exhale. Plan what you will focus on as you are trying to get to sleep. Enjoyable memories, your favourite movie, future holiday or your favourite place in nature can all assist in accessing a relaxed state for your muscles and your mind. Consider Sleep Stories. Sleep stories are a combination of a relaxing visualisation, plus a narrated story and a progressive muscle relaxation. Sleep stories of all subject matters can be accessed through YouTube, sleep apps such as Sleepio, Calm, or Moshi (for children). Just remember to use a speaker or Bluetooth headphones to reduce your exposure to your device in your bedroom. If you are restless in your bed, consider a quiet activity which can calm your mind, such as Wordfinders, Sudoku, reading (nothing too engrossing), until you feel sleepy enough to turn out your lamp. Remember to avoid electronic devices, bright lights and anything too engrossing. Consider progressive muscle relaxation as you settle into bed. This can assist in relaxing your muscles, which tense up the more active your brain becomes. If you are feeling tense before bed, or have a lot of things on your mind, consider writing them all down before getting into bed. Some people find it helpful to keep paper and pen beside the bed to allow them to add to it as they find themselves thinking when they wake up at night. Consider sleep aids such as chamomile tea (or specific sleep teas), lavender oil, stove-warmed milk, magnesium (including magnesium cream directly applied to the muscles). It is vital to keep your usual good sleep hygiene practices in place during these times. These include exercising during the sunlight hours for at least 30 minutes, keeping a sleep / wake schedule, and turn off devices and bright lights an hour before bedtime.

As the media keeps reminding us, we are in unprecedented times. Unsailed waters. Unmapped terrain. So, everyone is making it up as we go along, and having to adapt to a new twist, and a new limitation to our freedoms on a daily basis. As we adjust to life staying in our homes, and limiting our contact with the outside world where possible; our attention to our daily life, routines and mental health is more important than ever before. This can trigger different emotions in the best of us, such as fear, loneliness, anger and listlessness. There are limited ways we can control what is happening on our planet right now (aside from staying home and personal hygiene), however the one thing we can control is how we manage our days, ourselves, and our emotions in this new territory. Routine and purpose are two important anchors for psychological wellbeing; we are creatures of habit. Routine is an integral part of our wellbeing, and sense of control and predictability in the world. And at a time when all else feels out of control, your routine can help you feel more stabilised.  Some quick tips on establishing your wellbeing: Get out of bed each day at the same time (similar to what time you would get up for school or work). Structure is essential. Allocated time for exercise each day – exercise burns adrenaline and releases endorphins, which allows us to feel more optimistic and positive. Physical health is also important in fighting COVID-19. Try to combine your cardio with strength training at your level. Eat regular meals, with good nutrition. With so much time on your hands, it is easy to think “regular” means “65 of them”. Regular means same times each day, whether you eat 3 times a day, 5 times a day or are fasting intermittently. Remember to consider your colours in your foods – your brain needs a wide range of colours for optimal health (no, skittles are not colours). When we feel high levels of stress, we are more prone to eat foods that are high in sugar and high in simple carbs. Remember to drink water regularly. Spend time with your loved ones where possible. If you are living with your loved ones, these unprecedented times are handing you the one thing you probably didn’t have before – time with your family. Crack open that Monopoly box, or 10 000-piece jigsaw puzzle. Hectic life is coming back before you know it. New apps such as Houseparty, and the internet video calls are also essential at this time – set times to call your family, and friends. Consider a virtual game or competition, such as Driveway Chalk competitions for your friends and neighbours; where all parties decorate their driveway with chalk and compare with video and photos. Start a new hobby, or take up an old one you never had time for. You have time now. Many hobbies can be done in your yard or house, such as crafting, photography, woodwork, or gardening. Plan a project or 2 around the house or yard. Again, you will likely have time now. A sense of being productive is beneficial; even vital. Limit your news and social media watching. As things are changing rapidly, it is important you stay up to date in the changes and advice. However, spending hours watching the news, Facebook or other social media and reading hundreds of people’s Armageddon predictions will only leave you feeling more distressed, and more out of control. Choose your reliable and trustworthy news source, and tap into it once a day. Write down 3 good things that this situation has brought into your life. Perhaps they are a focus on the important things in life, to slow down, family time, time in nature? Consider singing. Singing on your own to your favourite tunes, or even better – with others over Zoom, or with family, or even with your neighbours as we have seen in Italy and Spain. If you are less confident in your vocal ability, consider creating a Spotify or Amazon playlist of meaningful and uplifting songs with your family or friends for you all to play in your own homes. Think positive. This is going to pass. And you will look back and consider how you handled this page in history. How do you hope you look back at this?

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist A popular explanation couples often give me for difficulties in their relationship is that they “can’t communicate”. Though there is often some “truth” in this statement in the sense that the couple find communication difficult, it it’s literal sense it runs counter to the idea held by therapists that “it’s impossible not to communicate”. Indeed, on some exploration, the couple generally reveal that they do communicate very powerfully, though their communication tends to be centred on things they don’t like, complaints, anger ,frustration and disappointment. Hence the couple can communicate but not necessarily about the things which help their relationship to be loving and constructive. Often the value of helping a couple to recognize that their description of their problem, that is that they “can’t communicate”, is not quite accurate, is that it opens up the possibilities of them looking at their relationship from a less self defeating perspective. Not infrequently I ask couples to prepare, as homework for our next session, a list of those things they like or appreciate about their partner or to nominate those things that they would like to “keep the same” rather than change. Again, this orientation can provide a different focus or perspective than the one which had been dominated by what is wrong with their partner and what things have to change. While this approach is not meant to ignore those things that happen in a couples relationship which irk them, it can have the effect of helping them focus on what they have to build on to as opposed to simply what they need to change. I often use an analogy of a house which has been partly burnt in a fire. If we simply look at all the black bits it is possible to get very despondent and come to the belief that all is lost, whereas if we look at the parts of the house which are still standing then we can begin to formulate plans on how to add on the the existing structure and repair it. Many couples find it surprising when they complete such an exercise and then, in a subsequent session tell each other those things they like or appreciate or want to keep the same in their relationship. Often they begin to realize how much they have got out of the habit of communicating these important sentiments to each other. As couples do this simple exercise, often the partner giving the compliments notices the way, at least at this instant, that they bring a smile to the face of their partner and contribute to making them happy. Since, in my experience the vast majority of partners attempt to make their spouse happy , having some direct experience of this can remind them of the habit they have lost. This can be a good start for many couples.

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist There are lots of ways we can avoid acknowledging responsibility for our actions. How we portray ourselves or our acts with the language we use is a great giveaway. Two prime examples are “I couldn’t help it” and “I had no choice”. How many times do we hear people use these expressions to kid themselves they are helpless about their own behaviour or that they had no alternatives to pursue? We always have choices even though sometimes the choices may be between a number of unpalatable options. Helping people to explore the options they rejected can be an empowering exercise enabling them to recognise the choices they made. Another form of expression which I hear often are comments such as “She/he made me do it”, “She/he provoked me, led me on” or “So and so makes me feel”. These likewise are powerful ways to attribute responsibility to others for the speakers behaviour. They lead to the inevitable conclusion that the only solution was for the other person, say a spouse, to act differently. Again some careful exploration as to other reactions can often explode the myth of this formulation. Other explanations can be an equally powerful ways for people to promote their own helplessness. When a person describes themselves as “easily led”, or having a “quick temper”, as well as imaginary things such as “a short fuse”, the person is asking the listener to believe that they are at the mercy of this trait and that “it” is therefore to blame for their actions. The same can be said of psychological formulations. Hence when a person declares that they have “low self esteem”, or are “co-dependant” etc., the clear implication is that the existence of this ‘condition’ explains their behaviour and therefore they are at ‘its’ mercy. While the process of ‘de-constructing’ these ideas people have of themselves is not always simple, one approach I use is to help the person find ‘exceptions’ in their behaviour. There are often many such occasions when they acted contrary to their favourite idea of themselves. As they notice these exceptions the power of their previous all encompassing view of themselves becomes harder to sustain and this opens up the possibility of them engaging in more satisfying behaviour. While most people would subscribe to the idea that we are “each responsible for our actions”, many times the language we use to reflect on ourselves can kid us into believing our behaviour was “not our fault”. It is!

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist The ideas that we have about communication clearly influence how we communicate. One idea which seems to be widely held is that if another person does not comprehend or understand us, then it is their fault. When we cling to this idea the next thing that seems to follow is that the person who does not understand should be blamed or criticised for their stupidity. I have heard many times people echo sentiments such as “If they don’t get it then that’s their problem”. Rarely, in my experience, does this further the cause of getting ourselves heard and understood. Hence, to use an example that is familiar to many parents, when I go to tell my children something when they are watching television, if I stand at the door and deliver my message then it is most likely I will be responded to by open mouthed stares, focused firmly on the television set. I can then, of course, go off mumbling and grumbling to myself “damned kids, they never listen”. I get uptight and they do not get my message. An alternative and potentially more useful idea is that we are “each responsible for the responses we get”. Another way of saying this is “the meaning of a particular communication is the response that it receives”. Using the idea that we are each responsible for the responses we get, I can construe my childrens’ response as a clear indication that my communication was ineffective. Rather than getting resentful and cranky about it, using this idea just simply reminds me that I need to try a different approach. Sometimes I liken this to getting into a lift to go to the third floor and pressing the second button inadvertently. I got a response I did not want. In this example I wanted to, at least, get myself heard (compliance is another issue). Hence, to get the response I want, that is to be listened to, I need to do something like stand in front of the television set or turn it off or turn the sound down. This brings an immediate response and, once the protests die down, I can get my self heard and understood. Sometimes to double check this I can ask something like “tell me what I said?” to make sure the message has been received. Certainly, there are people who are not very good at listening in that they seem to think that they know what we have said before we finish saying it, or are too willing to jump to defend themselves from imagined slights. In these circumstances it seems even more imperative that we adhere to the idea that WE are responsible for, sometimes patiently, finding a way to get a response to our message which indicates that we have been heard and understood (even if not necessarily agreed with).

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist I sometimes hear parents wondering why they have to remind their children, over and over, to do some of their everyday things. Many of us express, in that exasperated tone parents develop, “How many times do I have to tell you” to, “tidy your room”, “bring your lunch box out”, “put your clothes in the wash”, “get ready for school on time”, “don’t eat with your fingers”, “go to bed”, etc. etc. etc. The underlying belief which seems to accompany these heartfelt outbursts is that children should learn the complicated business of being responsible for themselves, and to be caring and considerate of others, by being told once or, at least, only occasionally. In reality, however, it occurs to me, that the straight answer to the question “How many times do I have to tell you” is, simply, – MANY. It is for this reason that I consider “nagging” is a much undervalued and maligned parenting skill. We don’t expect children to learn their seven times table in one sitting, they generally need to repeat it over and over again. Yet, the seven times table is a far simpler thing than the complicated business of how to behave responsibly. It therefore seems to me that when, as parents, we allow ourselves to believe that we should only have to tell our children once, or a few times, that this is a nice fantasy, but, it is not life. When we do this we can get ourselves well and truly worked up. However, when we remember that we need to repeat things many times to children, remembering that the more we repeat the rules, or ask our kids to notice and reflect on what they need to do, the better they learn, we are simply doing what is required of us as parents. Dealing with this reality, rather than the above mentioned fantasy, can help us remain calmer throughout the process. I have found it helpful for myself to sometimes tell my children that one of my jobs, as a parent, is to repeat myself many times so that they can’t help but learn what I want them to!! This at least brings a wry smile to their face and reminds me of the reality of one of my parenting tasks. I often think a test of the effectiveness of our “nagging” will come when we hear our own children, repeating the same things to their children!!

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist  One of the things that is often apparent in my contact with couples are differences in beliefs held by men and women. Beliefs are statements which are so well learned and ingrained that they are rarely thought of consciously. Because of this, they often go unchallenged and have a powerful influence on our actions. Good therapy can help identify them, make them conscious and therefore open to scrutiny. Once this happens we can choose to keep them or modify them. One belief which has a powerful effect on men and the way they act in their family’s and relationships is their perspective about ‘work’. Men’s belief in this area seems to differ from women’s and can be a source of conflict. “He spends too much time at work” is one criticism heard by men from their partners. I have observed many men to be confused, hurt and flustered by this comment as it often is made in the context of complaints that the man is neglecting his family. Yet, for many men, the underlying, well ingrained and strongly held belief is “I work for the family”. Consequently and logically, this implicitly means for many men, “the more I work the better off my family is”. How then a man reasons, can he be neglecting his family by working? So powerful is this belief that men’s identity or sense of themselves is defined heavily by their work. What do men need to know when meeting another man for the first time – not how they get on with their children, spouse or parents etc. but what work they do. Try asking a man to talk to another man without knowing what work he does and they are not sure who they are talking to. No wonder men are hurt, defensive and angry when such criticisms are made of their commitment to work. Of course, when we think of what makes a family function well, involvement by men as active fathers and considerate husbands is essential. This requires time away from work and is often what their partners are seeking. However, what often dismays me in this age of so called ‘politically correct’ thinking is that men’s commitment to work is often and readily dismissed or construed as a weakness or an indulgence. Too often it seems it is not appreciated as a reflection of a well ingrained cultural belief, which at least at the level of intention, is solidly family focused. Resorting to criticism or scarcasm is hardly mature behaviour. At least we are now beginning to debate and explore publicly the idea of getting a “balance” between work and family. Hopefully this will help men recognise the way in which the “I work for the family” belief can limit the other valuable contributions they can make to family life. Helping men appreciate the power of this underlying belief in their lives can give them choices, but we also need to help women respect the underlying intention which is implicit in such a belief.

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist Families have some wonderful ways of describing tantrum behaviour. But whether it be a ‘spak attack’, ‘chucking a wobbly’ or ‘doing your narna’, as parents, we have to find a way of responding to our kids when they are demonstrating these colourful events. One idea I find useful is to distinguish between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ tantrums. For starters, it helps remind us parents that, from time to time, tantrums are going to happen, and what’s more, sometimes they are going to happen when we least want them, in public, when we are on a tight schedule etc. Seems better to expect them than be ambushed by them! Of course a tantrum is just a child’s way of expressing some anger, annoyance or disappointment. Despite the fact that, as parents, we expect our children to be happy to get in the bath in the middle of their favourite T.V. program, to accept gratefully that they should not have another chocolate biscuit, to be pleased about missing a friends party because the family is visiting grandma, etc., lots of times they are not! Strange that! Children are not born with a blueprint for acceptable expression of these feelings and have to learn what is O.K., and what is not. This is where the idea of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ tantrums is helpful. Distinguishing between the ‘good’ behaviour of, say, stomping of to their room and the ‘bad’ behaviour of hitting their baby sister, is a start. Asking kids to make their own list of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviours, talking to them of what, as adults, we do in similarly frustrating situations, and demonstrating or modelling ‘good’ tantrum behaviour can all help kids know how to behave appropriately. As with all complicated learning, however, once is never enough. These are things that need to be repeated plenty of times. Demonstrating what “good” tantrum behaviour is like can even be fun for the whole family. A child who is ‘chucking a wobbly’ who gets helpful hints from other family members along the lines of “have you tried this” (and acting out the behaviour) or “what about saying …” is not, as some might worry, being encouraged to have tantrums, rather they are being encouraged to act on their feelings in an acceptable way. It can also be useful to predict tantrums. This not only has the affect of reminding us to expect their occurrence, but, paradoxically, sometimes tends to have the affect of lessening the likelihood of them even occurring. Hence, a child who asks hopefully “Can I have another lolly” and who is responded to with a comment like “I bet you will have a tantrum when I say no”, is faced, I think, with the dilemma of whether they choose to have a tantrum or whether they choose not to. If they do have a tantrum, then, we can help them do it acceptably, if they do not, we can be pleasantly surprised and suitably complimentary. I also remember the story of the five year old, who, waiting with his Dad in a Bank, full of people waiting to be served, threw himself on the floor, kicked his legs and screamed about not being able to have or do something he wanted now. The Dad, stood calmly for twenty or so seconds, then, as his son continued their performance, he left his position in the queue and got down beside his progeny and imitated his precise behaviour. Apart from causing hilarity to the rest of the customers, the effect on his child was immediate. The five year old was up in a flash and standing quietly in the queue! That’s advanced, creative, tantrum management!

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist Depression is one of the more commonly diagnosed ailments in todays community. Longitudinal research indicates that more people identify it now as a regular or common experience compared to earlier times. One writer refers to the experience of ‘depression’ as an epidemic. Estimates are that, at any one time, one in five Australians are feeling down with one in ten showing more significant signs of ‘depression’. The experience of depression is reported more frequently by women. There continues to be debate over the contribution of biological and psycho behavioural factors to both the etiology of depression and it’s treatment. In recent years Psychologists have focused on the role of thought processes with improved treatment results. Researchers and clinicians have observed that people experiencing depression have similar patterns of thinking. These are different from those used by the same people when they are not depressed and are different from those who have never experienced depression. When these thought patterns, sometimes referred to as ‘distortions’, are altered, significant change can occur. All types of depression can respond to therapy which focuses on such distortions, with those experiencing a reactive depression likely to respond most readily. With more severe depressions, a combination of therapy and medication has been reported as most effective. In working with a persons experiencing depression, I pay close attention to their language as a way of isolating and gently challenging their thought patterns. My fondness for being pedantic, (an ability not always cherished by others!) can be a decided asset in this work. Typically a person experiencing depression will use the following:  Global or universal descriptions such as “ I can not do anything right”, “Everyone is against me”. A dominance of “Should” statements either about themselves – “I should be able to cope”, or about others “He/She should….” or both. Describe their depressive experience as irreversible and permanent – “I am always moody”, “I can’t cope alone”. Regard all unpleasant experiences as completely their own fault. – “I must have done something wrong”. Think of events and experiences in black and white terms and overgeneralise – “I am a failure”, “He doesn’t love me, I am unlovable”. The interpretation of life events through this sort of thinking schema, can lead to a sense of despair or hopelessness about the future and consequent withdrawal from normal activities. Thus relationships and previously enjoyable activities become anticipated with dread, and are experienced as unrewarding, thus perpetuating a self fulfilling cycle of pessimism and lack of confidence. Working assiduously with people’s thought patterns, helping them to correct the ‘distortions’ and getting some glimpse of their own influence can, bit by bit, help restore their faith in themselves and in their world and help them escape their depressive cycle. Sometimes one of the most important beginning steps is to help them redefine their view of their difficulty. Often people can make themselves more miserable by getting depressed about ‘having depression’! I prefer to talk of people experiencing depression or having a depressive episode.

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist Counselling and therapy are often viewed as a mysterious process. Indeed I sometimes wonder whether those in our field deliberately try to portray the process as mysterious. Certainly us humans are complicated characters, however it seems to me that one of our tasks as a counsellor/therapist is to help others understand themselves and their actions as simply as possible. Talking about issues and discussing them in particular ways is an important and useful part of the way therapy and counselling proceed. However sometimes, in the search for efficiency or because discussion is not helping, other strategies can be helpful. The only way us humans get information into our system is through our five senses. When we think of something, say, an event from the past, we will typically represent it in our heads in one of these five sense modalities. Hence, if I ask you to think of a fire engine, one of my favourite examples, how do you think of it. Most people will say they “see” a red truck, in their minds eye, as it were. Some may say they “hear” the siren. In the first instance the person made a picture in their head! It is like they have a camera or movie projector in their brain. This can be important information as the person probably makes pictures about lots of things. Now in the course of therapy, a persons pictures may change as they discuss the issue and thus, when they think about the problem or issue again they represent it to themselves differently. However, what if we helped the person to simply experiment with changing the picture without much discussion at all. This can be done and can help significantly. If I ask you to return to the picture of the fire engine for a moment. Can you make this picture bigger, smaller, closer, further away, brighter, now black and white, out of focus, still, moving, moving fast, slow, backwards and so on. Some people have no trouble with this others a bit more so. We can all change the form of the pictures and, incidentally, the sounds, we recall when we think. What is interesting when people do this, particularly with unpleasant events they remember, some changes in a picture of the event will be experienced as more unpleasant and some as less. If, for example, I ask a person to change the picture of an unpleasant recollection, say an argument with someone they are telling me about, and put the picture off in the distance so that it is small and indistinct their face often lightens, their breathing eases and they relax. I might ask them to explore putting the picture ”behind them” to see what this is like, etc. There are many variations of this approach, each one’s effectiveness determined by what the person prefers. A particular advantage is that it is not necessary for me, as therapist, to know exactly what is in the picture. This means that people can be assisted to explore different ‘perspectives’ without having to divulge intimate or personal material if they do not want to. Sexual abuse survivors, for example, can benefit from such an approach. Therapy, then, is not just talk, it is the skilled and respectful use of a persons own processes to help them explore different ways of experiencing themselves and others.

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist On occasions I see people who report that they react to certain situations in an automatic way. They often say they “can’t help it”, wish they were different and berate themselves. Sometimes people do not see any alternative to their reactions and want others to change. At other times they scold themselves for being weak, fearful, talking too much or whatever. How can we understand this and help the person to have choices about how they respond? My approach to this difficulty is to talk with the person about when such behaviour was valuable or useful. Often their initial response is to look at me in a puzzled way and retort that “it’s never useful”. However, exploring some past experiences, say when the person was a child, can begin to reveal a time when reacting in the way they now dislike was sensible. An adage I find invaluable is that “every behaviour is useful in some context”. If we take the example of, a person who has been bullied or abused as a child either at home or at school. As a child they will not have had the wisdom or maturity to understand that the bully’s behaviour is reflective of some need of this person. The child, in order to make sense of the situation, may blame themselves, keep their thoughts to themselves, become compliant or whatever limits the distress of the situation. In this circumstance their behaviour is adaptive. Here I introduce the following idea about our “unconscious”. It is: smart about the things that it is smart to be smart about; dumb about the things that it’s smart to be dumb about; and sometimes smart about things that it is dumb to be smart about. It is the last explanation which, it seemed to me, can often be useful to understand. Putting it simply, it means that sometimes we react to situations or other people in ways which were useful and appropriate at an earlier time, but now seem to be not so useful in the present context. It is as if the previous pattern of adaptive behaviour now asserts itself, even when, on reflection, the present situation is, in other respects, different. Hence the person who, as a child, learnt to devalue or keep hidden their own opinions because this was an adaptive way to deal with a critical parent, may do the same in their marriage if their spouse even mildly offers a different opinion and hopes for a discussion. The value of these ideas is that the troubled person can be helped to escape from their self criticism and instead value their behaviour or reaction as being sensible or useful at one time. This then allows them the freedom to choose alternative responses – which they may have to practise – and to understand their old responses in a respectful way. There are many applications of this approach. It can be particularly helpful when working with people who have been sexually or physically abused, since the childhood strategies useful for survival then are not always rewarding now.