August 2018

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist The ideas that we have about communication clearly influence how we communicate. One idea which seems to be widely held is that if another person does not comprehend or understand us, then it is their fault. When we cling to this idea the next thing that seems to follow is that the person who does not understand should be blamed or criticised for their stupidity. I have heard many times people echo sentiments such as “If they don’t get it then that’s their problem”. Rarely, in my experience, does this further the cause of getting ourselves heard and understood. Hence, to use an example that is familiar to many parents, when I go to tell my children something when they are watching television, if I stand at the door and deliver my message then it is most likely I will be responded to by open mouthed stares, focused firmly on the television set. I can then, of course, go off mumbling and grumbling to myself “damned kids, they never listen”. I get uptight and they do not get my message. An alternative and potentially more useful idea is that we are “each responsible for the responses we get”. Another way of saying this is “the meaning of a particular communication is the response that it receives”. Using the idea that we are each responsible for the responses we get, I can construe my childrens’ response as a clear indication that my communication was ineffective. Rather than getting resentful and cranky about it, using this idea just simply reminds me that I need to try a different approach. Sometimes I liken this to getting into a lift to go to the third floor and pressing the second button inadvertently. I got a response I did not want. In this example I wanted to, at least, get myself heard (compliance is another issue). Hence, to get the response I want, that is to be listened to, I need to do something like stand in front of the television set or turn it off or turn the sound down. This brings an immediate response and, once the protests die down, I can get my self heard and understood. Sometimes to double check this I can ask something like “tell me what I said?” to make sure the message has been received. Certainly, there are people who are not very good at listening in that they seem to think that they know what we have said before we finish saying it, or are too willing to jump to defend themselves from imagined slights. In these circumstances it seems even more imperative that we adhere to the idea that WE are responsible for, sometimes patiently, finding a way to get a response to our message which indicates that we have been heard and understood (even if not necessarily agreed with).