January 2019

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist A popular explanation couples often give me for difficulties in their relationship is that they “can’t communicate”. Though there is often some “truth” in this statement in the sense that the couple find communication difficult, it it’s literal sense it runs counter to the idea held by therapists that “it’s impossible not to communicate”. Indeed, on some exploration, the couple generally reveal that they do communicate very powerfully, though their communication tends to be centred on things they don’t like, complaints, anger ,frustration and disappointment. Hence the couple can communicate but not necessarily about the things which help their relationship to be loving and constructive. Often the value of helping a couple to recognize that their description of their problem, that is that they “can’t communicate”, is not quite accurate, is that it opens up the possibilities of them looking at their relationship from a less self defeating perspective. Not infrequently I ask couples to prepare, as homework for our next session, a list of those things they like or appreciate about their partner or to nominate those things that they would like to “keep the same” rather than change. Again, this orientation can provide a different focus or perspective than the one which had been dominated by what is wrong with their partner and what things have to change. While this approach is not meant to ignore those things that happen in a couples relationship which irk them, it can have the effect of helping them focus on what they have to build on to as opposed to simply what they need to change. I often use an analogy of a house which has been partly burnt in a fire. If we simply look at all the black bits it is possible to get very despondent and come to the belief that all is lost, whereas if we look at the parts of the house which are still standing then we can begin to formulate plans on how to add on the the existing structure and repair it. Many couples find it surprising when they complete such an exercise and then, in a subsequent session tell each other those things they like or appreciate or want to keep the same in their relationship. Often they begin to realize how much they have got out of the habit of communicating these important sentiments to each other. As couples do this simple exercise, often the partner giving the compliments notices the way, at least at this instant, that they bring a smile to the face of their partner and contribute to making them happy. Since, in my experience the vast majority of partners attempt to make their spouse happy , having some direct experience of this can remind them of the habit they have lost. This can be a good start for many couples.