By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist Families have some wonderful ways of describing tantrum behaviour. But whether it be a ‘spak attack’, ‘chucking a wobbly’ or ‘doing your narna’, as parents, we have to find a way of responding to our kids when they are demonstrating these colourful events. One idea I find useful is to distinguish between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ tantrums. For starters, it helps remind us parents that, from time to time, tantrums are going to happen, and what’s more, sometimes they are going to happen when we least want them, in public, when we are on a tight schedule etc. Seems better to expect them than be ambushed by them! Of course a tantrum is just a child’s way of expressing some anger, annoyance or disappointment. Despite the fact that, as parents, we expect our children to be happy to get in the bath in the middle of their favourite T.V. program, to accept gratefully that they should not have another chocolate biscuit, to be pleased about missing a friends party because the family is visiting grandma, etc., lots of times they are not! Strange that! Children are not born with a blueprint for acceptable expression of these feelings and have to learn what is O.K., and what is not. This is where the idea of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ tantrums is helpful. Distinguishing between the ‘good’ behaviour of, say, stomping of to their room and the ‘bad’ behaviour of hitting their baby sister, is a start. Asking kids to make their own list of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviours, talking to them of what, as adults, we do in similarly frustrating situations, and demonstrating or modelling ‘good’ tantrum behaviour can all help kids know how to behave appropriately. As with all complicated learning, however, once is never enough. These are things that need to be repeated plenty of times. Demonstrating what “good” tantrum behaviour is like can even be fun for the whole family. A child who is ‘chucking a wobbly’ who gets helpful hints from other family members along the lines of “have you tried this” (and acting out the behaviour) or “what about saying …” is not, as some might worry, being encouraged to have tantrums, rather they are being encouraged to act on their feelings in an acceptable way. It can also be useful to predict tantrums. This not only has the affect of reminding us to expect their occurrence, but, paradoxically, sometimes tends to have the affect of lessening the likelihood of them even occurring. Hence, a child who asks hopefully “Can I have another lolly” and who is responded to with a comment like “I bet you will have a tantrum when I say no”, is faced, I think, with the dilemma of whether they choose to have a tantrum or whether they choose not to. If they do have a tantrum, then, we can help them do it acceptably, if they do not, we can be pleasantly surprised and suitably complimentary. I also remember the story of the five year old, who, waiting with his Dad in a Bank, full of people waiting to be served, threw himself on the floor, kicked his legs and screamed about not being able to have or do something he wanted now. The Dad, stood calmly for twenty or so seconds, then, as his son continued their performance, he left his position in the queue and got down beside his progeny and imitated his precise behaviour. Apart from causing hilarity to the rest of the customers, the effect on his child was immediate. The five year old was up in a flash and standing quietly in the queue! That’s advanced, creative, tantrum management!

As the media keeps reminding us, we are in unprecedented times. Unsailed waters. Unmapped terrain. So, everyone is making it up as we go along, and having to adapt to a new twist, and a new limitation to our freedoms on a daily basis. As we adjust to life staying in our homes, and limiting our contact with the outside world where possible; our attention to our daily life, routines and mental health is more important than ever before. This can trigger different emotions in the best of us, such as fear, loneliness, anger and listlessness. There are limited ways we can control what is happening on our planet right now (aside from staying home and personal hygiene), however the one thing we can control is how we manage our days, ourselves, and our emotions in this new territory. Routine and purpose are two important anchors for psychological wellbeing; we are creatures of habit. Routine is an integral part of our wellbeing, and sense of control and predictability in the world. And at a time when all else feels out of control, your routine can help you feel more stabilised.  Some quick tips on establishing your wellbeing: Get out of bed each day at the same time (similar to what time you would get up for school or work). Structure is essential. Allocated time for exercise each day – exercise burns adrenaline and releases endorphins, which allows us to feel more optimistic and positive. Physical health is also important in fighting COVID-19. Try to combine your cardio with strength training at your level. Eat regular meals, with good nutrition. With so much time on your hands, it is easy to think “regular” means “65 of them”. Regular means same times each day, whether you eat 3 times a day, 5 times a day or are fasting intermittently. Remember to consider your colours in your foods – your brain needs a wide range of colours for optimal health (no, skittles are not colours). When we feel high levels of stress, we are more prone to eat foods that are high in sugar and high in simple carbs. Remember to drink water regularly. Spend time with your loved ones where possible. If you are living with your loved ones, these unprecedented times are handing you the one thing you probably didn’t have before – time with your family. Crack open that Monopoly box, or 10 000-piece jigsaw puzzle. Hectic life is coming back before you know it. New apps such as Houseparty, and the internet video calls are also essential at this time – set times to call your family, and friends. Consider a virtual game or competition, such as Driveway Chalk competitions for your friends and neighbours; where all parties decorate their driveway with chalk and compare with video and photos. Start a new hobby, or take up an old one you never had time for. You have time now. Many hobbies can be done in your yard or house, such as crafting, photography, woodwork, or gardening. Plan a project or 2 around the house or yard. Again, you will likely have time now. A sense of being productive is beneficial; even vital. Limit your news and social media watching. As things are changing rapidly, it is important you stay up to date in the changes and advice. However, spending hours watching the news, Facebook or other social media and reading hundreds of people’s Armageddon predictions will only leave you feeling more distressed, and more out of control. Choose your reliable and trustworthy news source, and tap into it once a day. Write down 3 good things that this situation has brought into your life. Perhaps they are a focus on the important things in life, to slow down, family time, time in nature? Consider singing. Singing on your own to your favourite tunes, or even better – with others over Zoom, or with family, or even with your neighbours as we have seen in Italy and Spain. If you are less confident in your vocal ability, consider creating a Spotify or Amazon playlist of meaningful and uplifting songs with your family or friends for you all to play in your own homes. Think positive. This is going to pass. And you will look back and consider how you handled this page in history. How do you hope you look back at this?